Maternity leave in its glory

I can't believe that this is my final week of maternity leave. To say that the last four months have been life changing is probably the biggest understatement in the world, ever!  Just think, on Sunday, the 'Carte Blanche' theme tune will evoke that school dread in me again... I don't know how I am going to cope at work and get up at all hours to feed the Beanie, but I am not the first working mom, so it must be possible (please, let it be possible without too much heartache!).  Let me not be my cynical self and expect the worst, I still have Team Bean and in that regard are a heck of a lot luckier than most other working moms! And while I fear next week, Jeannie is counting the sleeps because she and my Ma will be looking after Beanie while I am at work. Like I said, REALLY LUCKY!

Beanie is doing well, picking up weight like a champion!  Still so petite and adorable, but those cheekies are getting rounder (sometimes with food that she won't swallow and then spits out when I'm not looking...).  Her ear is still leaking, but she is not running a fever, so it must just be gunk that wants to come out and from that point of view, good that it is coming out.

My hernia op seems to have been a success.  I am not in nearly the same amount of pain, just post op pain, and for that I have awesome pain killers.  They do make me quite drowsy, so at the moment, all I do is sleep, feed Beanie, take pain killers, do washing, feed Beanie, sleep... and so it goes.  This is also why it has taken me so long to update the blog... you knew there had to be an excuse in there somewhere!

My pain is almost gone now, so I am only taking pain killers once a day, so my energy levels are picking up.  I woke up with a start early this morning with the thought that this is my last week, so now I am trying not to miss a single moment with Emily (can one cuddle 24 hours a day?). Man, oh man, I am going to miss her (sob...).

Team Bean's theory on my Dejavu

Okay, their theory goes something like this: My brain is muddy (I have used this word, they used another word for brown stuff... and my brain was full of it) with tiredness, so it takes a while to process what is happening.  When my brain surfaces from this 'muddiness', it catches up with what has happened, and then thinks it has happened already... because it has, but only once, and not twice like I seem to 'think'.
Still want to win the lotto, though.

All's well in the land of the Bean

Well, almost all is well... Emily's ear is still infected and we need to take her to have it 'suctioned' out again - poor child!  Her check up with the Paedeatrician went well on Friday.  He is, of course, amazed at her progress.  She should be at about the two month mark in developmental milestones,  but at the moment, she is between 3 and 4 months.  So, almost at her actual age.  Advanced Baby (in case anyone missed that I feel that my child is far above average).
His only concern was the slow down in her weight gain, and he has put her on Polycose which is a calorie booster.  Let me tell you, the run around to find someone who had a tin of this powder in stock was a nightmare.  But on the plus side, I thought it was going to cost about R1000 for the tin, and it only cost R93! Grant still phoned me once he had paid to make sure he had the right stuff because it was too cheap - too funny (just goes to show how this NEVER happens with baby products).
Her appetite is so much better now, which is a great relief.  The only downside is now when she wakes up and wants to eat, her time from awake to fury because we have taken too long to prepare her food has gone from about 1 minute to 10 seconds - makes for very interesting 3am feeds.  I am surprised the neighbours haven't phoned the cops yet, because it must sound like we are murdering the poor child and all we are actually doing (or not doing, as she sees it) is preparing her food (slowly...).
I am going in for my hernia repair tomorrow, so will try and squeeze in as much Bean time as possible today, because it will probably be a few days before I can hold my most precious Angel again (tear...).  I have to stay in hospital overnight so that (and I quote from the doctor) 'they can give me the good stuff for the pain' - Grant is soooo jealous!  And speaking of Grant, he and my mom will be on solo Beanie duty on Wednesday night... it's going to be... interesting... maybe I should send the neighbours a 'warning'?

Say cheese!

I have added new photographs of my supermodel to her gallery.  Enjoy!

Dejavu

I am going crazy!  I have this insane theory (which, right now, sounds perfectly sane, to give you an indication of my mindset...), that because I am so tired, my subconscious brain is 'interfering' with my conscious brain.  So, just about every day, I have the most ridiculous sessions of dejavu.  Convinced that I am actually becoming psychic it is so bad.  I can only reason this away by saying that I must be running through so many scenarios in my dreams of possible outcomes to the activities of the following day that one of those scenarios inevitably plays out in reality.  The only thing I can't explain is the level of detail (it is quite freaky), but then I have always been a stickler for details (some might say OCD, but, hey, a job worth doing...).  Not only is this driving me crazy, the other members of Team Bean are about to ban me from the clubhouse because I am driving them round the bend too - the phrase dejavu is now a swear word around here!

Now, if only I could put this to some good use, and win the Lotto - who will be swearing then!?

The Ostrich

No, this is not a story about sticking my head in the sand until all the badness has past, it is, in fact, quite the opposite.  While attending our first Babygym class (http://www.babygym.co.za/), we were told the story of a new ostrich farmer.  He felt sorry for the unhatched baby ostriches who were trying to get out of their shells, so he 'helped' them by cracking each egg so that when the chick was ready, it could break out of the egg a lot easier.  Unfortunately, to his horror, when the chicks did hatch, they all had floppy necks and couldn't hold their own heads.  Distraught, he contacted an ostrich farmer with years of experience to help him solve this mystery.  He told the other farmer how he had cracked the eggs to help the chicks as he didn't want them to suffer unnessecarliy.  The older, more experienced, farmer explained to him that it is in tapping the eggs from the inside until they can break free, that builds their neck muscles, allowing them to hold their own heads when they hatch.  The moral of the story, although nature/the universe/God can seem to put undue (and overwhelming) stress on our babies, they need to learn persist, and in so doing will be strong enough to survive in the (sometimes bad and scary) outside world.

I thought this story was a bit more meaningful than 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger' because I really don't want to think in those terms when it comes to Emily.  While I struggle to stop feeling sorry for myself because of my lack of sleep and energy, I have to remind myself that my daughter is not 'being difficult'.  That, when a baby of her age cries and won't let you put them down, it is because they need you to comfort and soothe them.  Being needed on such a fundamental level is breath taking.  And when I hold her and she does (eventually) stop crying, the peace and tranquility with which she sleeps is something I only can only hope she will know throughout her life.

Health update wise, her lip continues to heal beautifully!  Her right ear is still infected and she is on another round of both ear drops and antibiotics, so lets hope it can finally clear it up.

She went for her weigh in this week, and she is now 4,55kg and 56,4cm tall.  I am very grateful for my petite baby, as I have aggrevated the hernia I picked up during pregnancy and can hardly carry her at this small weight.  But, this will be sorted out, and then I won't put her down until she needs to go to school!  Likely!  I can't wait to see her sit and crawl and eventually walk and run.  I never thought I would feel this way as I always loved babies and not toddlers, but the thought of my daughter reaching her developmental milestones and experiences excites me no end, and I can't wait to go through them with her.

And like that, it is over... for now...

After what has been, without doubt, the hardest week so far, Emily's stitches came out without incident. Why should that surprise me? Emily is, after all, amazing!

Happy, smileys!

We had to be at the hospital at 6am! But I learnt a new trick - Electrolyte replacement sachets!  Beanie had a runny tummy on Tuesday, so I bought some Cera Lyte 50 sachets at the recommendation of the pharmacist.  I made 200ml of mixture, and used this to make her formula.   It is berry flavoured, so she looovvved it!  In the wee hours of Thursday morning, when giving her the last feed she was allowed before anaesthetic, I gave her a feed mixed like this, and she lasted a lot better on her enforced 'hunger strike'.  Let me add, at this point, that I usually mix Emily's formula with Rooibos tea, instead of water.  So I just brew up some Rooibos, and then mix her formula with that.  She loves it!  And it made such a difference, when we were struggling with her stomach when we put her on formula (and before anyone judges, we had to, because she was lactose intolerant!).

My mom has also asked me to please add that the medicine dummy feeder does need two people to feed.  One to hold the dummy in place, and the other to fill the syringe and feed the milk in - in case anyone was trying this alone, and feeling less capable than us.  Please, remember, that at any given time, Beanie has two carers from Team Bean looking after her - she is a very lucky little Beanie (and, I am a very lucky Mommy, to be so well supported!).

Back to Thursday's procedure.  Emily was only sedated with anaesthetic so that she could lie completely still when they removed her stitches.  It was so quick, that I left the theatre after holding her so that they could administer the gas, got to the waiting room, switched my laptop on to post on her blog, and the plastic surgeon came out and said he was done! Amazing!  Just about sprinted back to the recovery area so that I could see the results, and I could hear her coming because she was, um, 'asking' quite loudly for her food...  She drank from her medicine dummy, and then gave us the breath taking smile that I posted above. 

Her ENT came and checked on her grommits, and her right ear is a bit infected still, so we have to keep on with the antibiotic drops until it clears.  Not the most pleasant thing I have ever done, because the sticky icky slime that is coming out of her ear makes my spit go thick (my mom's version of 'I threw up in my mouth').  But it is already a lot better, so, hopefully, it will be all clear soon.

Feeding, post surgery last week was entertaining.  If there has been any one thing that allows Emily to express herself, it has been her feeding!  She has now decided that she no longer wants to drink from her Pigeon cleft feeder, mind you.  Her way of telling us this, is to gag when we try to feed her with it (smiling and shaking my head as I type this!).  So, in a frantic, dazed state, I shot out of the house on Thursday to hunt down a dummy style teat - a lot easier said than done!  I found Mam teats, that are fitting her Nuby silicone bottle so that I can still 'assist' the feed by sqeezing the soft bottle.  But, this also, only works when she is in the mood... We mostly start a feed with one device and end it on another - my child likes to keep us guessing. 

Never a dull moment - and why would I want it any other way?!

Here is a montage of pics to date of my darling Angel, Emily Bean Fairbanks (even Rocky had a montage...)

  

  

  

I, truly, have nothing but love, pride and admiration for my darling, strong, wonderful daughter, who brings us endless smiles and love.

Time Flies!

When giving Beanie her pain killer suppository this morning, I realised that we only have one day's supply left of them. So hard to believe that it has been four days already since she had the operation, and, in three sleeps, she has her stitches removed!  Incredible how one loses track of time when your day is spent looking after the Beanie!

Today started off a bit on the rough side. Emily did not have a good night's sleep because of her blocked nose - I had to sleep with my hand on her for most of the night to set her at ease. Beanie made a big sneeze as she started her 10am feed, and I could hear that it was a sore one.  She started crying as soon as she had sneezed.  I had to stop the feed and allow her to calm down.  Thus began our two hour ordeal of trying to get some food into her.  On the one hand, when she is tired and agitated and wants to sleep, I want to leave her to do so. But on the other hand, she really needs to keep up with her feeds so that her body has the strength to continue healing.  At 12.50 when she finally agreed to take her bottle again, some blood came out of her mouth. I can't tell you how much this upsets me!  I had to give her to my mom so that I could calm down because I almost felt like I would faint, and I didn't want her to pick up on this.  We had a look in her mouth to see where the blood was coming from, and I couldn't believe when I lifted her top lip to see if the cut there had reopened - there was NO cut.  Her little mouth has healed so quickly, that you can't even see where the doctor stitched her lip together on the inside.

We realised that the blood must be coming from her nose, so decided to revert to the 'MacGuyvered' medicine dummy as it has a smaller teet than the bottle and is less intrusive in her mouth.



Before



After



As you can see from the pictures, Grant forced a feeding tube into the back of this medicine dummy, and then attached a syringe into the feeding tube.  We also removed the dispensing cup as this was just getting in the way.  She feeds by sucking on the dummy and we push milk into her mouth using the syringe. Once again, this worked like a charm, and she instantly had a full feed, much to my relief!  The three subsequent feeds have all been this way and it is still going well.

Her breathing is a lot better today too.  We have had her humidifier going the whole day because she is either in a room with a fire burning in the fireplace, or in her room with the heater wall panel on, so the air is warm, but dry.  The humidifier helps to put moisture back into the air, and this, in turn, has stopped her nose from swelling so much today.

Her ears are a lot better too.  When I cleaned them this morning before putting her drops in, there wasn't much ooze, and she didn't fight me when I put the drops in.  Hopefully this means that whatever was brewing in them is clearing.

After being with us full time since Thursday, Grant was missing his little Angel very much today when he went back to work. Emily seemed to know this, and gave me this awesome pose when I took a picture of her this morning to send to her daddy:

Morning, Daddy.

And, finally, here are updated facey pictures of her today:

Super Tired (my super hero name...)

Emily did not have a great day today.  What started off as a cute quirk, has turned into quite a struggle for her.  By this, I mean her breathing.  Her poor little nosey is so swollen today that she sometimes fights to breathe, and for some reason is adamant about breathing through her nose instead of her mouth. So when you try to help her by pulling on her chin to open her mouth, she just gets more angry and frustrated.  Not that I should be surprised at this, the Beanie is nothing if not very aware of she does and does not want to do!

This morning she had some nasty ooze out of her right ear.  I got quite a fright!  I phoned the ENT on call and he said that it is a normal after effect of the grommits as she probably had that gunk in her ear canals to start off with and that the grommits are now just allowing it to drain.  Relieved that it is 'normal' but still upset that it is happening!  He also said that we should be topping up her pain meds with Ponstan and not Panado so Emily's daddy quickly jumped in his car and went to the chemist to buy her Ponstan (pretty sure the fact that he has just bought a new car has nothing to do with this...).

So, all in all, not a great day.  But the Beanie did break from the yuckiness to give us this amazing smile while her Aunty Jeannie visited:

And when she looked at herself in the mirror, laughed the cutest little baby laugh! 
The small joys completely outshine the hardships!

Emily is amazing

My favourite line from a song at the moment is from Elton John's, Your Song: I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is while you're in the world.

Almost as soon as we took the plasters off on Friday morning, Emily started smiling!  I was in tears when the plasters were finally gone.  There aren't words.
As always, the Beanie is taking this adjustment in her stride.  She is still feeding her full feeds and her sleeping is only a bit interrupted because she has to learn how to breathe with a full top lip!  It is so cute.  She used to close her mouth and breathe through the gap in her lip.  Now she breathes in through her nose and forces her bottom lip to 'pop' open when the air is forced out... like an old person snoring.
She was a bit anxious on the first night home, because of how new it was to breathe this way and because her little nosie was quite blocked with blood, so I just put my head down next to her in her cot so that when she opened her eyes she saw I was there.  She then quickly fell asleep after a few 'checks' on me.  It was a case of feeling safe, and then she could relax and sleep.
We do know as soon as her pain medication is starting to wear off though, because she starts moaning a little and starts getting a little fidgety, but we just pop in another pain killer suppository and then she settles again.
It does seem like she is enjoying smiling with her new lip, which is enough to bring anyone to tears!  She seems determined not to have a dry eye in this house!




All smileys about to leave for the hospital



In my hospital gown



Plasters coming off!

Happy Baby!



My lip repair up close


While we were in hospital, we met a lovely couple whose daughter was in to have her soft cleft palate repaired (she is 6 months old).  They had not known about the cleft when she was born, and it was only when she started crying after not being able to breast feed properly that they saw into her mouth and saw the cleft.  The mom said how she can't wait to feed her little one with the new 'normal' pink bottle she had bought!  How precious is that?!

My Beanie is lippy!

So, the operation went really well.  I was so worried about her reaction to the anaesthetic gas (one hears horror stories about children fighting it and being very upset by it), but my darling angel just kept sucking on her dummy and fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.  The anaethetist, Dr Neville Botha, was wonderful.  He did not put a mask on her, but rather detached the pipe from the back of the mask and just cupped his hand around her face so that she could breath the gas in.  She seems to have her mom's problematic veins, so they unfortunately could not put a drip in.  This just meant that she woke up from the anaesthetic not only completely disoriented (the anaesthetic and premeds do that), but also quite dehydrated. 
To say that feeding her post op was upsetting would be an understatement!  She had so much blood in her little mouth that she didn't want to swallow, but once she realised she was getting her milk, she drank from the syringe like a champion!  My child really is such a star!
After a good feed, she had a lovely sleep and woke up in a bit of pain.  We quickly gave her the suppository pain killer and I gave her a few drops of coca cola (the sugar calms them very quickly and puts them on a bit of an endorphine high - NICU trick) and she settled nicely and slept some more.

The surgeon was very happy with her progress, and they let us bring her home (thank heavens!).  In the car she took to her dummy and has since been loving it like a long lost friend!  So much so, that she didn't want to take her bottle.  I got a little worried at this point, but was also so exhausted, so I left her in the capable hands of the other members of Team Bean (Grant and my mom).  When I woke up, they had 'MacGuyvered' her medicine dummy into a feeder and she is once again, drinking like a champion and is having a wonderful sleep! (For other cleft mom's, I will add a separate post of all the feeding tricks soon).
On an emotional note, it is quite overwhelming to have your little one dazed and confused and in pain and not be able to speak to her and tell her that it is going to pass.  But, remember, that they just need you and your love, and then the rest is up to their awe-inspiring will to survive and thrive.  Every day my daughter teaches me lessons in patience, joy and the true pleasure of unconditional love. And for this (and an infinity of other reasons) I am so grateful that she decided to chose me as her mother.

Quick update

The Beanie took the anaesthetic like a pro, no fighting or crying, just nice deep sleepies!  Her grommits are already in and now we wait to hear about her lip.
Again, a big thank you to all who have sent us blessings and love!  We are truly honoured to have such a beloved daughter.

Thundercats are a GO!

So this is it!  Tomorrow my Beanie has her fourth birthday!   Her first is her actual day of birth, her second is the day she should've been born via scheduled caesar, her third is her original due date, and her fifth will be when they close her palate... Anyone who says having a baby isn't expensive, has not met me!
Starting to get excited now about seeing my baby after her operation - thought this moment would never come.  Have packed her suitcase, and by the looks of it, you would swear my child is permanently moving into hospital, not just (hopefully) going for the day... but rather safe than sorry!
The only apprehension left now is my concern about any pain or discomfort she is going to be in.  But that will be short lived and she has her 'team' with her to help her through it.  Someone better keep an eye on me, though, because it might be one tablet for her and two tablets for me each time she needs them!
Grant is being his wonderful supportive, pillar-of-strength self.  I can't tell you how amazing it is to be able to lean on him when I feel like my world is becoming wobbly with fear. He anchors me and reminds me that we are all in this together.
So, on that note, I sign off for tonight, and thank everyone for the well wishes and the abundance of love that is being sent our way.
I promise to send updates as soon as we have them.